Reflection

Hello world~
I figured it has been a while and I might want to catch everyone up on my successes. It always seems to be that when things are going good, we have no time for reflection. but it's time to get back into thought. I just had my 6 month check up and am cancer free! Stanford has been great at following up and it looks like I'll be going every 3 months for the next couple years. The check ups consist of blood work and x-rays; and once every year, I'll have one of those nasty radioactive pet scans.

It's unbelievable how much time has passed since I stopped treatment. After part-time was over at work and radiation ended, I jumped right back into my life. Slowly, but surely that memory and mental power that I had missed so much (or did I, I can't recall) came back. While I've certainly taken my share of relaxation in preparation for inner strength over the past year I've gotten myself back into yoga and gym with a new perspective on my physicality. I missed the physical exertion and meditative grace that I love from my workouts. After Chemo began, the most I could manage was a mile walk once, maybe twice, a week. It was mentally painful for me to go from a prime physical space (running a 1/2 marathon and working out religiously) to storing up that energy just to make it through a day hanging out in my house. Things change quick.

After radiation, I developed, and still have a little neuropathy. I forget what they call it, but it's very mild. I get a kind of electrical vibration whenever I physically exert myself (just when you were a kid and your dad made you stick your tounge on the negative end of a battery to see if it was still alive). It only occurs in my legs after I run now and when i bend my head forward after excercise.

Overall, I look back at my time this year and realize that I really don't remember much of it at all. I remember the love from my peops and family and the drive to survive, the long drives to stanford, the way I'd feel after the monday of chemo, but the days wizzed by like lightening. I've thought back on my experience and still am in shock and awe that i'm only 31 and have already experienced this crazy thing called cancer. . . and survived! I can't say that I'm more wise or more introspective than usual, but I'm maybe a little more aware of what I put into my body (grass-fed, less alcohol, organic produce), more patient, more reactive of the changes in my body and definitely I have changed in ways that I'm still figuring out. I think the most important thing that I have learned, and am still struggling to embrace, is that my life of plans isn't in my control. As much as I try to control this world and my life in it, I'm going to focus on allowing. I'm lucky and grateful, and a little in debt, but mostly happy to be healthy and alive. thanks for listening and supporting. i'll keep you posted.